bad parent of the week: mum

I award myself bad parent award of the week this week.  For not realising you were sick and nonchalantly taking you to the doctor for a check as you were extra tired and a bit cranky on Monday, only to be told that you apparently have ear infections in both ears. Which reminded me what a tolerant and happy little thing you really are, as all I had noticed was the extra fatigue and a bit of extra whingeyness when you wanted something I wouldn’t let you have (which was enough to make me want to go to the doctor to check, but I was a bit surprised, I was expecting the usual, ‘he’s fine’).. The new doctor who we’ve never met before kind of gave me a kinda funny look as he told me you had an ear infection and that you needed antibiotics, and that “you need to keep up the pain medication, that is probably why he’s upset” as I’d just 3 minutes earlier cheerily informed you “no blocks until we’ve finished with the doctor… and gee you’re a bit cantankerous today!” as you pounded on the doctor’s door in an attempt to exit the consulting room and return to the blocks you were previously happily playing with in the reception…  So yes, the new doctor thinks I’m a bad parent who doesn’t pay attention to her child’s needs and treats his health as a bit of a humourous aside.  Well, maybe that is a slight exaggeration, but that look he gave me certainly indicated he wasn’t convinced I was the best parent either.  Suffice to say it was the end of the day, you were ratty, and I was a bit more scattered than usual myself.  So maybe appeared to someone who doesn’t know me a bit nonchalant.  When really I was just a bit tired and distracted….

health – an ongoing issue

Anyway, all good.  You’re on antibiotics and you’re already getting better.  Today you played independently heaps during the day, and it reminded me how good and easy to look after you are when you are 100% healthy…. Which reminds me, it seems such a common thing that all babies are sick for ages after starting childcare.  My mother’s group doesn’t meet up much anymore as almost everyone has gone back to work, but we still email a lot, and this week one of the topics that has come up has been the relative frequency of sickness in everyone’s kids since starting childcare.  So it’s not just you.  Which makes me feel slightly better.   Starting childcare is a sickness-inducing thing in most kids.  Which I knew, but it’s still helpful to have people at the same point as us going through the same thing and talking about it.

today: climbing

So.  No swimming lesson today (thought that I’d win bad parent of the YEAR award for taking my ear-infected child to a swimming lesson).  Instead: naked playing in the sandpit while I weeded the garden.  A visit from little E (who you gave a dink to on your little trike – the cutest thing ever), a bike ride with mum and a stop in the park on the way home…

climbing at the park

..

All good fun.

Love and kisses

mum

P.S. Another photo from last week: exploring at the State Library.  I just let you wander about wherever, and this is where you ended up.

exploring

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thought I’d write a little bit about childcare today. You started there just under 3 months ago now, and since I wrote about it with a little negativity when your first started quite a few people have written to me or asked about how it is going.

And generally, the answer is pretty good. This week in particular you seem to be getting into the groove of it. But it has been up and down. However I struggle to put my finger on exactly what it is that has made it so up and down and generally uncomfortable for me, and have had many discussions with many people about it.

Childcare is a difficult thing. To do or not to do, in the first instance. We decided when you got the spot in the favoured daycare at about six months of age, that you were tooooooo small. And I am happy with that decision. You were too small. And luckily for us, your lovely Aunt R1 was available to help look after you, so I was able to return to part-time work knowing you were being cared for by a loving family member (who incidentally lived in our home so no pick-up and drop-off dramas either) two days a week. But I guess not everyone has that opportunity. We were lucky, as were you.

We debated about what the ‘right’ time to start was? For us, we decided that the answer is there isn’t one, and it works differently for everyone, based on needs, their child, availability of a spot, and a multitude of other factors. Some people I know put their children in care as they had to go back to work but weren’t happy about it. A few of the mother’s I met in mother’s group are having some pressure put on them by their partners NOT to use childcare as they think the best care is at home. Some kids at the childcare you go to seem to start one day and be 100% settled the next, some seem to be crying each day when I turn up despite the fact they’ve been there the same time as you. All so variable. And also hard is the time it takes: we don’t just throw you out of our arms and leave, or pick you up and go, we make an effort to spend some time in your room playing with you and the carers so you get to show us your space and you’re comfortable that we like being there too. So even though it’s only 5 minutes from our house, the drop-off and pick-up adds about an hour and a half to a working day… Something no-one ever mentioned to me when I was kid-less.

And for you? Well, you’re getting used to it now. You understand when I say, “we’re going to kindy”, I’m sure, as two weeks ago they set up a little play area in your room with a heap of those coloured plastic balls, and when I said last week that we were going to kindy you started to sign “ball, ball” madly. And then as soon as we got there you leapt out of my arms and ran over to climb in the area and play with the balls.

And yesterday, well. You cried when I went to leave. But stopped before I’d even left the room. So I know you were happy there. And we have a few friends who have kids in the same room as you, and they mention that you are always playing and happy when they drop-off / pick-up their kids.

I haven’t even mentioned yet that I feel totally comfortable with the centre and the staff and all of that. I just wouldn’t even consider leaving you there if that weren’t the case. So that is all good.

But I still miss you. About 2:30 or 3:00 pm on the days you’re there I start to pine, and wonder what you’re doing and how it is going… And I feel a bit guilty that I’ve left you there. For no specific reason. Just general mother’s guilt.

Some of the things you really enjoy and I like are that they feed you, so you get some different foods to what we give you at home. And they seem to have a great healthy variety of food prepared on-site by their chef. Which is great. And you seem to eat well there. So that is good. Also, you love to draw with crayons, and paint and some of the activities we just don’t get time to do very often at home (though I think that will change as you get bigger and it’s not so messy – ie. more like eating paint and covering yourself from head-to-foot). And you love the huge sandpit they have, and now you’re a bit bigger, you’re allowed out in it with the bigger kids, so you get to watch them which is a boon for you too…

So. Childcare is working out. You’re starting to really enjoy it. We’re getting a bit more used to it.

love you
mum

P.s. and yes, it is true, you’ve had a permanent runny nose since starting there. People told me you’d be sick for three months. You have a few days off and then back you go for a round of re-infection and cross-contamination with the other gorbolies in your group.

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once again, weeks have gone by and I haven’t had the time to write. This happens once in a while – a few days go by, then I think, “Aha, I should write about …….”. Then a few more days go by, I forget what it was then I start to get overwhelmed with how much I have to write. So I don’t… and then the cycle continues.

In this case I’ve also been rather extremely busy: we’ve been getting used to Childcare (you and I), I’ve been working and my work project went somewhat sideways so required some brainpower and attention, uni is getting busy – just wrote my first exam on Saturday and we’ve started work on the assignment…. And you just are SO much fun to hang out with, that when you’re awake and I’m not working I just want to play with you. So housework and writing blogs has been slightly sidelined in preference to actual living.

(Oh, and I’ve developed a slight addiction to the Scrabble-like game “Works with Friends” on my iBaby. Though really, it only takes up a few minutes each night in bed and first thing in the morning. Which reminds me, as an aside, I dearly hope that when you get older you continue to love books as much as you love them now, and you become a bit of a word junkie, because everyone else in my family – save except perhaps your Grandma K, refuses to play either Boggle or Scrabble with me. I may have to wait 18 years or so until you’re ready and compentently able, but I promise to play when you get older if you will play with me. It’s just better in person ).

Righto.

So, it’s all been happening. We’ve been playing in the sandpit in the garden; you’ve learned to ride the bike your Canadian Grandma E & Grandpa bought you for your birthday and spend hours each day “brm brm brrrrrmming” around the verandah and living room; you’ve started to sign all sorts of baby sign like you just can’t get enough going.

The sign language progression is absolutely amazing. I think if MY signing vocabulary was greater, you’d be able to have a conversation by now… (well, maybe that is a stretch, but you’re pretty mad).

Each day you try to do a new sign, and then repeat it and continue to use it going forward. Animals are still the favourite. Now your signing repertoire includes:

• Cat
• Dog (which you also say)
• Fish
• Turtle (though it looks a bit like fish when you do it.  You’re trying though, I get it)
• Butterfly
• Plane
• Helicopter
• Motorbike
• Car
• Truck (again I think this is bit confused sometimes with ‘clap’ but you’re getting there)
• Ball
• Balloon
• Elephant
• Giraffe
• Up (which you also say)
• Flower
• Train

And I’m sure a few more which I currently class in the “just waving the arms and hands around randomly” and can’t quite get but am sure you know what you mean… I’m still just using the Australian Sign Language (Auslan) resource website:signplanet.net to look up the signs we need. Then I just start doing them, and we let your dad and your aunts know the new ones, and then everyone does them and at some point you just seem to be able to do them.

At present, Cat is a big favourite. Mostly I think because not only does “Cat” mean “Cat” to you, it also means, “Please let’s go for a walk up the street to find and pat the pussy cat that lives three doors up”… You love going outside, and since everyone in the house now knows what the sign language for cat is, and when you sign it you look so adorable, no-one can refuse taking you for a walk up the street. Even your Dad, who really doesn’t like cats at all… I’ll try to find the video I took the day you started doing it proficiently a few weeks ago and maybe it will appear on the blog.

Other news is that we have a few holidays coming up. This week you and I are going to Sydney to visit some friends. Dad and Aunt Reegan are coming down on the weekend.

And bigger news is your Dad, I and you are going to go home to Canada for Christmas with your Grandma E and Grandpa. We will be heading off in December for three weeks.

See. My brain is full and I’m not able to express myself clearly, it’s all just coming tumbling out.

Going to run.

love and kisses
mum

ps keep up the great signing work!!

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   Juggling a temper with an ear infection… and cuteness..

Today was your first day of childcare. I was nervous, nervous, nervous Nellie. For no specific big reason. But for many small reasons. Happy and sad at the same time. I thought I was good with it all (mostly) until I left the centre. And realised that this is the first time I’ve ever left you in the care of total strangers. Yes, I’ve left you lots of times before. But never with someone who isn’t family, or good friends, who I trust and know well enough to be able to understand how they’ll look after you.

And I cried. Yes, I cried. Thankfully work was a bit busy this morning so I had something to take my mind off it. And your Aunt3 (G) came with me when I dropped you off, so I had someone to give a big hug to as I cried. Real tears, for a few minutes.

Yes, yes, I did all the right things before hand. Your Aunt R1 looks after you two days a week at the moment so that I can work, but she isn’t sure what she is going to do later in the year, and I am working, so we need a little certainty that you have someone to look after you. So we knew this was coming at some stage… So we did some research and enrolled you a few months ago. But the centre isn’t our first pick – it’s not the one your cousins and other close friends go to because although we got a spot there last year, another one hasn’t ever come up (despite the fact I put your name on the enrolment list the day after I found out I was pregnant – yes, in-demand and good childcare centres really are hard to get into in Australia’s current baby boom). So it’s our second best option, one that others I know send their kids to and think is good. You and I (and your dad a couple of times) went there about 5 times before you started, checking it out and seeing what the staff are like and the general atmosphere and the way the kids interact with the staff and the activities and the philosophy in practice. And all those important things. But today was still hard. For me. And I think a bit tough on you.

I’m still really stressed about the whole thing, tonight, even though I tried to relax. I think one of the hardest things was that the centre only just opened to babies this week (previously they started at min. of 15 months). So basically every child in the room you’re in (max of 8 to 2 carers) is new to the centre and childcare. And the centre isn’t used to babies. And though both the carers have worked with babies before, I think it has been a little while. So as you can imagine, I think it will be a bit of mayhem for at least a few weeks while everyone and everything adjusts. Not the ideal environment to try to get you used to it all in, so it just added to my stress a little.

It went OK today. Not great, but OK. I dropped you off at about 9:00am and stayed until about 9:30 settling you into the room, playing a game with you and another boy and S, one of your carers. Then I said goodbye and left. You were almost ready for your morning nap, so I was hoping you’d have a little play then go to sleep.

I phoned a few hours later and you’d just woken up. So I left you a bit longer as I wanted you to have some play time. I went to get you around 2, and stayed for 1/2 an hour, reading books and giving you some food. I wanted you to be comfortable in the room and know I was comfortable there too, so you don’t just feel it is a space where your mum never is, rather feel that it is a space that we can hang out in and have fun too. ….

Anyway, it was all ok, a few minor things about not quite adjusting stuff to your routine, not realising that you feed yourself (so you were kinda really hungry when you got home as I imagine you refused mushy baby vegetables/food from a spoon which is I think what they tried to feed you at lunch), and not settling you for sleep the way we do (consequently your were crying in your cot with someone comforting you when I arrived to pick you up). Yes, these things bothered me, cause we did go through all this with the staff last week and we left a detailed list of routine, stages of development, eating habits etc.. But I didn’t say / do anything apart from talk to the staff about the feeding (as I was there for the afternoon snack) as I think I just need to let it all settle for a few days and just observe. It’s a big learning curve for all and it’s obvious that the staff care and are committed and trying hard – I think 8 new under 13 month kids in a room would test anyone.

So. You were exhausted as your morning nap wasn’t great and I expect the change shocked you quite a bit, so we had a nice play and some book reading when we got home. And you went very quietly and happily to bed tonight.

Now I just need to unwind somehow, and get ready to do it all again on Friday.

I love you. my big childcare boy.

mum

Settling into daycare - playing with the blocks with mum

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so. I started this post more than two weeks ago. But haven’t got back to it. For a number of reasons.

1. I’m busy. It’s nearly Christmas, and things to do with Christmas and all that jazz just seem to get in the way of things.
2. I thought I’d unpack a few of the mountain of boxes in our store room from one of our previous moves (they were all numbered and logged but after 3 moves the pile has just got bigger, numbers overlap, and frankly I don’t care about what is in them so much as I haven’t used it in years or months). It’s like a game of ‘garage sale shopping’ but in your own storeroom.  Did I already mention I was busy? Well.  I guess I got more busy.  (As an aside, 5 boxes down and I’m over it again for a while).  I think I’ll aim for 5 a month for the next year.  That should get through the pile in say 3 years.
3. It’s hot and I’m busy.
4. You seem to be awake more and sleep less and more games and fun stuff is required of me.   Well, “fun” in the mum does “fun” stuff with baby kinda way.  Which is a little different to my pre-child definition of “fun” stuff.  But fun it is.
5. I am fully mobile again, oh yeah!  No boot, just trainers and the car keys and you!  So we have been trekking back and forth across the burbs of Brisbane to mum’s groups and the grocery store and the pool and .. and .. and.
6. Did I mention I was busy?

But the main reason I haven’t got back to this post after starting it so many days ago is that it’s a hard one.

The issue:

I got a call from the childcare center near here, where your cousins and our close friend’s kids go, telling me that “there is a spot” for you from January next year.  Two days a week only.   But “A Spot”.  Now I guess you need a little context here.   Brisvegas and Australia in general are having a baby boom.  I live in the inner city, and childcare spots are a bit like hen’s teeth – rare.  The center that offered you a spot is notoriously hard to get a spot in, and is apparently the bees nees.   It’s friendly, great staff, local, vegan-friendly, breastfeeding friendly, and small (only six spots in the under 12 months room).   And two days a week is precisely what I think you’ll be after at some point….

But when is that point?

I was at first excited when they rang.  Then immediately I hung up the phone, I looked at you and almost cried.  You’re my little baby.  You’re still so small.  You’ll only just be six months old.  That is so little.  You’ve never really been sick.  You’ll be sick for weeks on end when you start childcare – good as it is, kids just love touching other kids faces etc and germs spread.  And you’re so small, my little baby.  Did I mention that already?

Aaagh.  Then there is the issue of what I’d do if you did have a childcare spot.  And that is the one that has really been occupying my mind for the past few weeks.  I’ve been contemplating what it is like to be a SAHM (stay at home mum) and whether I want to continue (and whether we can afford) being one.  It’s such a hard call.   If we can afford it or not is a simple question.  And the simple answer for that is that only two weeks before they phoned, I pretty much decided that we could afford it for a bit longer, so as there was no childcare spot, I should just relax, enjoy the experience and then start to think about work and the whole “what do I want to do with my life” question in another few months.  In the interim, I decided to take another course from my MBA next semester and see how that went as a starting point to ease back into things non-baby related…

And my sanity.  Can I be a full-time SAHM and keep my sanity?  Your grandmother described it very well when she said it was “mind-numbingly boring” at the same time as being “intensely satisfying and rewarding” especially as the bond you have with your child is so close, so special and so important.  A dichotomy.  I caught up yesterday with an old friend from uni who has two kids, both under 5, who first thing, asked me, “How are you coping with the SAHM thing?  are you BORED?”.  And then went on to clarify that she has been fighting with herself mentally for the past five years trying to come to peace with whether or not she is satisfied, happy, ok with it, balancing work (does she do enough at one day a week, look at the other positions she could be applying for if she worked more)  and family and what to do.  And she’s at peace, pregnant again with number three, so does find it a worthwhile and happy experience, but also very mentally challenging.  We were chatting about mother’s groups and she said, “But yes, once you’ve talked about poos and wees and developmental stages, it would be nice if once in a while someone maybe mentioned politics or what is going on in the world”.   (Aside: we then had an interesting conversation about how the conservatives in Australia have just ousted their leader and gone for a right-wing approach to tackling our government head-on with experienced members (ahem, cronies) from a yesteryear re-promoted to front-bench positions.  And whether or not such a strategy would prove fruitful).  … Mmm..

That was just one conversation.  There have been many more.  And lots of thoughts about it all.

So.

Decision

For now, you’re not taking “the spot”. You’re gonna stay home with me.   And your dad will try to finish a bit early one day a week so you can have some time with him and I have some time to myself and to study.  And your Grandma K will look after you a few hours one afternoon a week too.

And in the meantime, we’ll continue to be busy busy busy and I’ll contemplate my purpose in life in between changing pooey nappies, swimming at the pool and doing loads of laundry.

love and kisses

mum

P.S.  constructive feedback and notes on your own experiences from readers out there most welcome by comment…  We’d love to hear.

poogie - you and me in the pool today

P.P.S.  We went to the pool again this morning.  You love it.  You were tired when we got there but managed to swim quite happily for 45 minutes, got splashed by the hoardes of big kids and didn’t seem to mind at all, and attracted the attention of a very friendly boy about 12 years old who was just overjoyed that you enjoyed the water so much and spent about 15 minutes playing with you and a ball and then encouraged his friends to do the same with the other babies.  Funny!

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