i'm pregnant and it's going to be a rollercoaster

Penis rules. We have all of this in front of us… August 29, 2009

Dear Poogie,

I’ve just peed myself laughing (haven’t done enough kegels exercises yet following your birth – tut tut me) reading a story from another mum about her ‘penis rules’ for her boys.  Which struck a chord with me particularly as I’ve had a number of conversations in the past week with other mums about their boys and their boys penises.  Specifically, mishaps that involve the said appendages.  They can and do frequently occur.   Sadly for you, I’ve come to the conclusion that despite my best efforts I think I’m still going to laugh laugh laugh when you do injure it in strange ways, as is bound to happen.  Which will make me a crap mum.  But human.

Thinking about these things makes me realise that I have A LOT to learn about having a boy in the family.  I have LOTS of sisters who I grew up with (they are quite a bit younger, so I saw the growing, the mishaps, misadventures & achievements).   Your Aunts.  But I only have two brothers,  your uncles, and they are a lot younger than me.  And I was living overseas much of the time when they were really small.   To tell the truth, I’m a bit apprehensive about how the hell I’m going to manage with a boy.  So to laugh about penis misadventures somewhat diffuses the tension for me.  There – my poor justification for the future when I just can’t help myself but laugh at you…

So.. Stories this week about penis misadventures in small boys I’ve heard include:

  • slamming the penis between two kitchen cupboard doors while swinging on them.  Ow!
  • playing with the penis in public spots and places like the living room to the consternation of more conservative relatives.  Institution of the ‘only in room and bathroom’ rule.  Subsequent observation of vigorous hand action under a pillow while on the couch.
  • getting the penis somehow caught in a Thomas the Tank Engine battery-operated train and it somehow getting threaded through the rolling mechanism.  This apparently required total destruction of the Thomas the Tank Engine engine by two people to extricate the said squished willy.  Ouch.
  • using the penis as an exploding hose as someone laughed once when this was done by mistake.   I.e. holding the hand over the end of the penis while weeing.  In the living room.  (large clean-up).   Unfortunately it became a party trick very quickly.
  • lots of incidents of foreskin getting stuck and needing medical attention to get it put back in the right spot…. ahh
  • loving a brother’s penis

What I don’t know yet is any personal stories from your Dad’s childhood.  Grandma E – anything you want to let us know about to add to the collection???

So now I’m ready for the day you will inevitably injure your little penis (I mean that in the cute  sense though really I should know better that to use that adjective anywhere near the word penis)

The outcome of all of this is going to be the start of ‘Penis Rules’ in our house.

Faemom‘s penis rules are:

  1. You can only play with your penis when you are alone in your room.
  2. You are not allowed to play with someone else€™s penis.
  3. You must have pants on to go out front.
  4. When in public, including the front yard, you may not take your penis out to show any one.

Which are all fair and good in terms of behaviour and decency…  But what about safety.  So can we think about adding

5. No naked penises near the kitchen cupboards

6. No playing with the train set with a bare penis

7. No using the penis as an exploding hose

8. No touching the foreskin ever

I guess it could go on forever, and won’t exclude all possibilities.  So – here it is.

5.  You are responsible for the safe conduct of your own penis.

A fundamental rule I think I’m going to have to learn as a mum.  And I think a lasting one.  In fact it seems to me to be applicable right through childhood, puberty and into adulthood. 🙂

Love you and your penis.  Though not in a wrong way.



7 Responses to “Penis rules. We have all of this in front of us…”

  1. Sal Says:

    Love it!

    About a year ago, I shouted out to LB who was up the big end, “What are you up to love?”

    “Playing with my penis” was the response.

    I’ve learnt not to ask


  2. faemom Says:

    LOL Great post!
    I’ve learned most penis accidents are induced when not wearing underwear. But alas the only way to potty train is nakedness, so there are several months of penis accidents. Wait until you get to yell in front of friends and family “Stop playing with your penis!” Good time.
    Good luck!

  3. Grandma Says:

    Ah. Breathed a sigh of relief when I realised the headline was not a capitulation to the penis – ie not a ‘dick rules us all’ kind of interpretation.

    However I surmise from your father’s response he’s been following his for a while – led him to your mum presumabley so all in all not such a bad thing.

    Speaking of bad things the female equivalent of the under the pillow but on the couch incident occurred in your grandmother’s maternal home – I recall your great grandmother instructing me in the lounge room as the right n wrong place for a spot of intimate enjoyment.

    Stay away from those kitchen cupboards however Oscar. Sounds very very painful.

  4. Janelle Says:

    Oh I’m not ready for this. This is why I secretly preferred a girl. But we’re having a boy. EEK!

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