my-speck

i'm pregnant and it's going to be a rollercoaster

you know the mother with the screaming child in the shopping center… March 5, 2010

Picture a SCREAMING child being pushed in a stroller around the suburban shopping center by a very harrassed and wild-haired looking mother. Wayward glances from strangers (some sympathetic – most, a few judgemental) as the loud stroller starts to go in indiscriminately crazy loops and the mother’s breathing increasingly becomes jagged as she initially tries to continue shopping (but is in reality just pushing the stroller round the same old stands of generic boring clothing with an increasing fervour while not actually seeing any of the clothes at all) and she struggles to retain any sense of composure and “I’m the parent & I’m in control” feeling before fleeing for the closest exit with the wailing trailing down the escalators to follow her out into the heat of the carpark.

That was us this afternoon.

After another night of sleeplessness and random feeding, I for some reason decided that today was the day to go to the shopping center to try to find some clothes that fit me.

What the hell was I thinking? (more…)

 

desperate measures… aka brain-addled and dazed mother. March 3, 2010

Filed under: Parenting,Raising a Child — rakster @ 5:11 pm
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Hi Poogie,

we had a lovely dinner with everyone on your Grandma K’s side of the family last night. And when chatting to Aunt 2 (Rhy) she reminded me that she had been to visit us before work last week. When prompted, I had a vague memory of it,

Me: “Oh yeah, I remember”.  Thinking vaguely that I did remember her coming one morning early.

Rhy: “You were tired and kind of out-of-it.”

Me: thinking, mmm,  I recall having very large bags under my eyes for a few days in the past few weeks.  Maybe it was one of those days.  “It’s all a bit hazy now I think about it.”

Rhy: “Yeah, you were so out of it you fell asleep in O’s cot.”

(more…)

 

feeling a little stressed and emotional May 5, 2009

Hello Little Speck,

Its very comforting to feel you moving around down there happily this morning.  I think your dad appreciated it too – he woke up and could feel you against his back.   And your hiccups were so strong he got to feel those too.  We were both happy to feel you being normal.   And I’m glad to say that your awake hours are actually currently in-line with mine – you wake up at about 6:30am, then play around for an hour or more; then you sleep, though sometimes you have a little play until about 9am or so.   You sometimes wake during the middle of the day, but definitely around 3pm is a big time for you to reawaken and do some fairly vigorous exercise.   Then around 6pm you seem to go a bit crazy – I suspect its when I haven’t had dinner yet and you’re trying to tell me your blood sugar has dropped too low.   Then its all downhill for me as I am generally exhausted and very ready for bed.   You often are still awake and there is some movement but you chill out when I go to bed and seem to sleep through the night.  You were waking me up before when this wasn’t happening.  So thanks.  My sleep has been better.

I think I overdid it on the weekend and yesterday – I had a bit of a meltdown last night and something like a panic attack after I went to bed.   I just couldn’t seem to get enough breath and was sobbing uncontrollably.  I couldn’t think straight and couldn’t work out what was wrong or why I was upset or what was going on or whether I could really breathe or not.  It wasn’t very fun and I freaked both myself and your dad out.  Eventually I got over it and managed to settle back down and go to sleep.  I am putting it down to Week 32 pregnancy hormones.   Our midwife in the antenatal classes was suggesting we all have a good cry in the shower.   And there are a bunch of women on the baby forum this week who all seem to be crying a lot.    So I’m guessing its a common thing and I’m just following the normal pregnant and crazy pattern.

Anyway, this is why we were both happy to feel you scrimmaging around like normal this morning.

Thinking of you.

love mum

 

windscreen washing the inside of my uterus March 11, 2009

Hello Little Round Ball (’cause there is no way you are a speck anymore, its a round ball down in there…  you’re still my Speck, but your house is shaped more like a ball),

how are you?  I’m tired again.  Exhausted in fact.  Yes, I know I’m commuting Sydney-Brisbane, and that is a bit tiring, but I’m disproportionally tired.  It started last week.  The weekend was good but I could barely keep my eyes open at night.  We went to G&Ks for a barbeque on Friday night and it was only 8:15pm when I had to leave and go home – I was going to fall asleep at the table.

You on the other hand have been moving around like you’re in an aerobics championship.   You’ve got some new moves too – they started on Saturday.  Lying in bed on Saturday morning I noticed something different.   You now do big sweeping movements with feet and or hands – right across my belly.  If you can think of someone washing the inside of a car windscreen with big round movements, that’s what it feels like you’re doing.  Lots of that and less of the one-off kicking.  It feels pretty freaky to be honest.  It just lasts so long.  I think the short sharp kicks were easier to deal with.  And you’re definitely growing at a rapid rate, as now when I feel you moving around – I feel as though I can tell where your head, legs and arms are pretty often.  And every time you’re wiggling about and doing tumble turns.  Which is frequently.

I couldn’t sleep last night.  After a while, you woke up too and started to do the calesthenics.  You kick really hard now – if I’m looking at my stomach I think I can almost see where your foot pokes the stomach out.  Anyway, I figured that I may as well practice ‘training you in acrobatics’ for fun, like the girl I work with is going to do with her baby.  I thought it was a bit of a joke, but pushed just where you had kicked, and then you thumped back even harder than the first time.  I moved my fingers a few cm along my stomach from where the original kick was and pushed again, and, surprise, you moved and kicked back in the new position.  Funny.  I did it a few times after which you settled down again.   I then gave you a massage, which you seemed to like.  I’m starting to feel now that you’re really a little person in there.  Before you were just a ‘baby’.  Some kind of growing blob.  Now you are starting to feel more and more real.   I had a chat to you last night while massaging and I was wondering what you were thinking.  ‘Cause I think you’re thinking now.  I wish you’re Dad could feel these changes in you too – I think its definitely part of the ‘mum’ gets used to baby coming along part of being pregnant for nine months.  Last night you felt like a boy to me.  A month ago while walking home one night I had a premonition that you were a girl.   So, I obviously don’t know.

We went and met your obstetrician in Brisbane last Friday.  He is very relaxed.  He told me to eat anything, just avoid bungee jumping and advised not to take up heroin at this point.   I think I can manage that.  Your dad and I were surprised when we looked at the chart to see how big you are now.  No wonder I can feel you – you’re much bigger than a coke can (which is where I thought you were at).  I guess you won’t know him, but be reassured he is a very amicable person who seems supportive of what we want to do in the birth.  He is apparently well-known for only intervening and doing a c-section if absolutely necessary – chatting to him about this made me feel like he would be the right person to help us along.  I still wish to some extent that the model of care offered in Australia was more flexible though – while I like him, I’d also like for us to be able to choose our own midwife to come along and be there before, during and after your birth.  That’s not an option with the way the hospitals and medical system works today.  Which I think is a travesty.   But, ce la vie.   I guess you take what you can get and make what you will with it.  Hopefully your Dad and I will cope regardless.  As the doctor emphasised, the birth is going to be the ‘easy’ bit in retrospect.  Yep, it will be hard, and stressful, and most likely hurt a lot, but it will be over pretty quickly.  Wheras you’ll be with us for a long time afterwards.  To worry about forever more.

kisses
mum.

 

…and all i have managed to do is attempt to put the clothes away…. November 29, 2008

Filed under: exhaustion,pregnancy — rakster @ 4:37 pm
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Hi Speck,

what are you doing down there? Why am I so tired??!! I know I’ve had a big week – uni everynight and not getting home ’till after 10, work and then assignment every night, but really.

Today we did our final group presentation at uni, and I have come home to try to attempt to at least bring some order to the disorder that is our house. Your dad has been holding the fort for at least two weeks all on his own – when I’m just arriving, eating, sleeping, showering, leaving.. arriving, eating, sleeping,…. you get the picture. Anyway, I am attempting to get clean clothes put away today and have even struggled with that. All folded. Some away. Rest awaiting next burst of energy. Have had a half hour nap, think I might need a bit more.

your dad is cleaning the bbq.

hope you’re well.
love you
mum

 

…..zzzzzzz…… October 27, 2008

Filed under: exhaustion,pregnancy — rakster @ 10:32 am
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Hi Speck!

Either you’re still there or I’m just incredibly tired for no reason.  I can barely get through the day to 7pm before I’m falling asleep at the table.  We went to Brisbane for the weekend and my stongest memories of it today are of falling asleep – at dinner on Friday, dinner on Saturday and dinner on Sunday.  I hope you’re appreciating the amount of energy you’re draining from me :)

We went and saw our house and I wondered where you’d play and what changes we’d need to make there to make it safe and fun for you.  I ate a few of my favourite spinach & cheese pies to make sure you got some iron.  We visited some friends & family.  And the rest is a blur.

But we’re going to talk to the doctor about you this afternoon, so hang in there & keep at it.

love you

mum

 

Morning October 24, 2008

Filed under: emotion,exhaustion,pregnancy — rakster @ 8:14 am
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Hey Speck,

well, no morning sickness at all yet, though I am very tired.  Though that could just be because I’m stressed.  Too much to do at work and behind in my uni work (again).  I just don’t know when I’ll have time to catch up, because we’re off to Brisvegas tonight for the weekend and it will be pretty busy.  I need to fit some research on my assignment in there somewhere though.

I’m still worried about you, but kinda resigned to just having to wait and see.  Keep it up.

love you.

-mum